Family ties
by Mae3
Summary: Chris lost someone special to him.
1. The need for showing and telling

Family ties  
  
Standard Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven belong to Trilogy, the Mirish Co, MGM and CBS. Thanks to MOG for creating the ATF-Universe. This is an AU.  
  
#.# = flashback *.* = diary entry  
  
Part 1  
  
* 04.09.2002 Dear diary.  
  
I finally did it. I finally told dad everything. Well actually I didn't told him, I yelled at him. I shouted it literally from a rooftop. Oh my god I will never forget his face as he saw me. I don't know what was worse for him, me on the rooftop, me singing with a rock band, me necking that punk, the tattoo, the black hair, those clothes, that I actually should have been in school at that time and that he signed that sheet for my principle that I'm legally off school today, the cops trying to get me and the band from the roof or the crowd below us rooting for us to go on. Just for the look on his face it was worth everything that will come. And it will be bad. He will kill me. ..But where was I? .Oh yeah, after we finished and I came down, the cops nearly arrested me. But Buck and Vin told them that it is okay and that they will handle it. But I think they wouldn't have arrested me anyway, cause they are too scared of dad. He scares everyone away. But that's old. Then I walked up to dad and screamed and yelled and shouted at him. I told him what kind of bastard he is. I told him that he can't do that to me anymore, that I won't accept him to ignore me. And I told him that not just he lost a person he loved. Me too. And that I won't accept it anymore that he shut me and everybody else out of his life. We are a family. Well yeah that was when I saw it. When I saw those icy blue eyes start to sparkle with fire. I saw the rage in his eyes. But as fast as it came it was gone again. He told me that we will talk when he comes home from work, then he told Buck to take me home and then he left. Nothing, there was nothing. I mean what shall I do more? I think I really did everything that could bring the most peacefulness saint into a blazing rage. I mean my father is a mean short tempered bastard that yells at everyone and everyone is scared of him, why can't he show me any feelings. He hadn't showed me any feelings for five years. For exactly five years 2 month and 11 days. Since the death of.Well whatever. When daddy comes home he will call me down to the living room. Then he will tell me that I have house arrest for the next 20 years, then I will disagree, then he will shout that I shouldn't undermine his authority then we will yell at each other about that and then one of us will storm out of the room. Arguing about his authority is the only thing when he gets loud with me. But he shows me no rage no hatred no love no nothing. I hate . *  
  
"What does inconvenience mean in German?" a frustrated voice announced.  
  
"Unannehmlichkeit."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Unannehmlichkeit, Lyndsay. Unannehmlichkeit."  
  
"Oh. And how do you spell it?"  
  
"U.N.A.N.N.E.H.M.L.I.C.H.K.E.I.T. . Unannehmlichkeit. But why did you take German as an elective anyways? You suck in languages. I don't mind giving you coaching in German too, but I don't see the point!"  
  
"It was the only elective that was free and I knew you could help me with. I know you like art but there you suck. More then suck."  
  
"Yeah, yeah I know."  
  
"When does your dad come home?" She asked her best friend that was seated on the bed.  
  
"Don't know around six. Why?"  
  
"Just . well, it is nearly six o'clock. Shall I stay until it's over?"  
  
"That would be fantastic Lynny. Thanks. You're really my very best friend."  
  
"Always sweetie. Always."  
  
"Good. So, you continue with your essay and I continue with my diary."  
  
"Oh boy. I'd love to read that once." Lindsay said with a wicked grin.  
  
"Over my dead body."  
  
"That means in an hour!"  
  
"Stop laughing and go to work."  
  
"Whatever sweetie."  
  
* Where did I stop? . Oh yeah I hate my father for doing that to me. He'll never understand that I feel about it the same way. That I want to talk to him about it. I mean I were 11 when it happened. That day I started writing diary. Yeah. Well I'll continue after my talk with dad. When I'm still alive of course.*  
  
"Oh, Oh."  
  
"What's up Lynny?"  
  
"Your dad just arrived." She answered and looked out of the window behind the desk where she was seated. "And he has a mean stride. That will be hard now."  
  
"I know, I know. I knew it before I started that whole shit. Hopefully I made my point clear."  
  
"I think you did your best. Your." She was interrupted by the shut slamming street door. A little frightened but full of expectance she looked at her best friend. They waited. First there was nothing. Just silence. Then they heard someone on the steps. The door opened and in it stood Lyndsays best friends father. He held a stoic face. Arms cross in front of his chest. "Dad. I give Lyndsay some coaching."  
  
"Whatever. Good evening, Lyndsay."  
  
"Good evening, sir."  
  
"I want to talk to you, child. In the living room." He said in a strangely controlled voice. Then he saw something, that made his blood nearly began to boil. He stormed in the room and grabbed a picture from the nightstand. It was a picture of someone he forbid his kid to have. "Dad no. Give it back." But he didn't listened. He just turned around and ran out of the room. While he descended the stairs he yell. "I want to see you downstairs."  
  
Part 2  
  
"Wow. That was strange. I mean . he didn't smashed the picture like the last times. I'm scared for you sweetie. I think your dad will really do something tonight." Lindsay announced in shaking voice. Her friend just nodded and continued to stare at the door. "You really wanna go downstairs alone?" Her friend just nodded again. "Sweetie . that's suicide."  
  
" It's okay Lyndsay. It'll probably just become loud. And you know the idiom: barking dogs don't bite. That's also a German one by the way."  
  
"Okay, but if I don't hear anything I'll come down in five minutes. And don't try to argue with me. Got it.?"  
  
"Got it. See ya." Lyndsays best friend said, stood up from the bed and walked down in the living room. The clock ticked unstoppable. 1-2-3 minutes and Lynn didn't heard one thing. 4-5 nothing. As the sixth minute had passed she stood up and followed her friend. As she reached the last step the street door opened. "Hi Lynn."  
  
"Lyndsay. What are you doing downstairs all on your own?"  
  
"Hi Adam. Mrs. Larabee. You already heard what Jess did?"  
  
"Yeah I heard she gave a concert on the street instead of being in school, and I will have a very serious talk with her about skipping school. Oh by the way I saw the car of . Lyndsay, what's up?" Sarah Larabee asked in a curious voice.  
  
"That's the reason why I'm downstairs. Your husband is at home. And they are in the living room. He wanted to talk to her there."  
  
"About skipping school? He didn't really showed interest in those things lately."  
  
"Lately. . Sorry Ma'am. Ehm, well Jess didn't really skipped school. Your husband signed yesterday a sheet for the principle so she was actually legally off school day. And giving a concert . on a rooftop . is not the only thing she did. She now has a tattoo, black hair and very modern cloths. And your husband saw everything. Afterwards she yelled at him for his behavior . lately. Well and now they are downstairs for about 10 minutes and I haven't heard one thing. I'm a little frightened for her." Lyndsay explained. Jess' mother looked at her strangely and all three went fast to the living room. And what they saw were .  
  
  
  
Jess stepped down the stairs and into the living room. Her father sat laid- back on the leather couch, had a drink in his hand, vodka Jess assumed, and stared at the picture on the table in front of him with a forlorn look. He said nothing. Jess didn't know what to do. She expected him to began a triad about her behavior the moment she set a foot in the living room. But she didn't even know if he noticed her coming in. She really didn't know how to approach him. But she knew better not to desert him. So she decided to wait for him to take the first step. She sat down on the arm chair next to the couch and waited. The silence stretched to five then ten minutes.. Jess began to become very nervous. Her father hadn't said one thing nor did he move a bit. She heard Lyndsay and her mom talk about something in the hall and saw them appear in the entrance of the living room. But she didn't said anything to them. Just as she wanted to say something he asked: "Am I really behaving as such an jerk to you and your mom and brother?"  
  
"Yeah. I know you hate me now. And I know mom will hate me now cause she always said not to say anything about it to you. That we shall keep quite about what happened and about your nightmares and about your behavior. We shall just accept it and that we shall just forget him and it will become better one day. But I can't take it anymore dad. I can't and I won't forget about him. Cause I love him. Still love him. And I want to know more about him and Buck and mom can't or don't want to help me. And I don't know if you actually love me anymore. You don't show me anything. You know those parties, my always going out and being late, those boys, today .I did everything for you to become angry and to hate me. Cause that's at least one feeling and that would mean that you recognize me and that I mean anything to you." Jess said in an angered voice and she hoped she could bring her father to show a feeling. But he didn't moved one bit nor did his face changed nor did his look went away from the picture. He said nothing again. "Dad your still doing it. I hate you for it. I hate you!" Jess screamed jumped up and ran to the door. Her mother came in and had a shocked look in her face and said: "Jessica, you will immediately say your sorry to you father. He don't deserve to be treated like that."  
  
"I won't. I mean every single word of it. Just look at him mom. He's just a stoic coldhearted bastard."  
  
"Jessica Hunter Larabee. That's enough. You'll apologize to your father for saying something like that and then you will go to your room and I will come by and we will have a long talk about your behavior."  
  
"She's right." Suddenly a small voice said. Sarah and everybody else nearly missed it.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said she is right, Sarah. Jess is right. I am a stoic coldhearted bastard. I treat you all like shit and you don't even know why. To say the truth I don't know why." Nobody said a word or moved. They just stared at him as he still sat in the same spot like a statue. "Jesse is right to question my behavior. I really didn't show her nor Adam nor you much feelings." That was the last thing Jesse expected. She would have expected everything but him to say that she was right. "I .I think, I am scared. I think I keep you at arms length that it won't hurt so much when I loose you. .Yeah I think I'm simply scared. And it is right Jesse I don't talk about what happened and I don't want to be reminded of it in anyway, cause it hurts to much. Jess take your picture and put it back. And would you all just leave me alone?!" Chris said tightly.  
  
"But."  
  
"Sarah, please." He begged. Slightly nodding her head she turned around and went after Adam and Lyndsay out of the room. Jess just stood there and watched her father. But as he still didn't move a muscle she took the picture and turned to leave. Just as she reached the door her father said. "You have the same eyes like he had." Jess stood in the doorway and answered: "Yeah. I know. We have the same eye color."  
  
"I didn't mean that." Now Jesse turned around and their eyes met. Slowly she walked back to the arm chair she just jumped up minutes ago and sat down, never leaving the eye contact to her father. "No, it's not just the color. It is not just that emerald green. This morning, when you yelled at me your eyes were blazing. Just like his' when we had a huge fight. For one moment I really had the impression your uncle stands in front of me and I wanted to yell at him. I actually saw him standing in front of me. But then the moment were gone and I was totally lost. I nearly broke down and cried. That's why I left you standing there like I did. Then back in the bureau when Buck came back he went straight in my office and started yelling at me about my reaction and everything. He let everything out. He bellowed for over half an hour. I think not just JD learned a few words. I mean that man has a vocabulary. Amazing. Or shall I say horrifying?"  
  
"Yeah I know. As huge as is ability for creating new and mean practical jokes."  
  
"Don't start with that. I mean I really suffered enough of those. My whole life I was at the receiving end of those. And believe me, I suffered the most when he and your uncle were together."  
  
"Ez did practical jokes?" Jesse shouted in surprise.  
  
"Yeah, your uncle Ezra did practical jokes. His were actually worse than Bucks. But the worst was when they were together. I suffered day in day out." And he smiled a half side smile.  
  
"Dad, would you tell me a bit more about Ez. I know you said you don't want to, but you already started and ."  
  
"Don't be angry, but .maybe one other time. I need to come to terms for myself first. And you've got a friend waiting in your room." Chris said carefully.  
  
"Okay dad. Maybe we can come to terms with each other too." She answered in an equal voice like him and stood to leave again.  
  
"Yeah. Hopefully." There eyes met again and there was a slight understanding in them. She was nearly out of the door as her father called out to her once again. "Ehm Jesse, those cloths are just for today, the tattoo is removable and the color in your hair will wash out, right?!" Jesse looked down on herself. She looked at her jeans that sat very low on her hips and were just held up by the zipper and at her black top that showed more that it hide. Then she grabbed at her back where a big tattoo covered the whole lower part of her back and finally she twisted her eyes to look at her black hair. Afterwards she smiled shyly at her father and answered: "No, those cloths are my normal attire, I really do like my hairs black and the tattoo is permanent. But you already imagined, right?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, but a father can hope." He said beaten.  
  
"Go on dreaming dad. Go on dreaming." His daughter laughed and walked finally out of the door. Yeah, she thought, maybe we really can come to terms again. 


	2. Appologizing and storry telling

Now 4 hours, a dinner with Lyndsay who finally left 1 hour ago and a severe reprimand of her mother later, Jesse finally found herself in bed. She was dead tired but she wanted to finish to write this evenings occurrence in her diary. Just as she lay down that book and was about to turn off the light there was a light knock on the door. A knock? On her door? That was new. Normally everyone just storms into her room Jesse mused. "Come on in."  
  
"Hi Jess!"  
  
"Dad?" Jesse let out in surprise. He was the last that she expected. But what surprised her more than him being here was that he actually appeared to be nervous. That confused the heck out of her. What would come now? Carefully he stepped into her room. Silently he asked her with his eyes for permission to sit down on the end of her bed. "Dad, What's up?"  
  
"Ehm, .. your mother, .. she talked to you?"  
  
"Yeah, she did. If you can call that talking. It was rather a very heated monolog about my .. let's say actions today. I now have three weeks house arrest." She told her father.  
  
"Mhm, well maybe I can .. beat her down to two." This comment of her father threw her. It seemed her father made a 180 degree turn in his behavior from when he came home today to now. "What's that suppose to mean dad? I mean you totally lost me here."  
  
"I ehm well I just .. God damn it I never thought it would be that hard." He swear more to himself than to her. And that settled her a big deal, cause that sounded much more like her dad. "I mean I just want to make it up to you. I know I can't make it up to you in just one instance but I try. I mean I really see now what kind of idiot I was the last 5 years." During his speech he had jumped up and now ran around in her room like a caged tiger. It amused Jesse a big deal. "Just think about it, you were always my princess, daddy's little girl, and then my brother dies and from one moment to the other I became the bastard that I am. Of course it confused you and of course you threw a fit. I really appeared to just not be interested in your life anymore, so I am partially to blame for this whole shit, too. I ...!" at that moment Jesse had enough and she interrupted her father with a yelled ´Dad`. Confusion showed in his face. "Dad, it's enough. Really I think I understand your intensions. It's okay. And all I ever wanted since this happened was to .. oh god .. what I now will tell you is totally embarrassing for me and if you will tell anyone I will deny it .. got it? ..okay. So, all I ever wanted was to be your little princess again. And you promise me to never tell anyone!" After her father sat down again and made a cross with his thump above his heart she continued. "I missed what we did together, like going fishing and that stuff. And I think I know why you shut me out of your heart. You said it hurts too much to be remembered of Ezra and you just said I remember you of Ezra so much, I can understand it. But I do hope it will change sometime."  
  
"Maybe it is understandable but it is not acceptable. And I promised myself and I will give you the same promise now I will change. I really try. Now I know that I've done things wrong and I know what I have to change. And the first thing will be, to become a good father again. And maybe you can forgive me sometime." She didn't know what it was. She didn't know if it was her tiredness, the words her father choose or his totally devastated look. But tears started to search their way down her cheeks. Her father sat at the edge of her bed, shoulders slumped in defeat and he looked down at his hands. She didn't know what happened next. One moment she sat there leaning against the headboard of her bed and the next she flung her arms around her father, buried her face in his chest, stammered that she already forgave him and sobbed uncontrollable. She felt as her father shifted their position so that they could sit more comfortable and then she felt his arms encircle her in a tight but soft embrace. It was that kind of embrace that just he was able to give. Her arms tightened around him as if she was afraid that he would let go of her. She longed for that touch for years, she couldn't remember the last time she shared that with her father. She felt once again loved and save. By now she didn't has the hope that it will become better someday anymore. By now she knew it is already better than she would have ever hoped for. And Chris felt the same.  
  
About 20 minutes later Jesse had calmed down, and they had changed their position. Chris now had his legs outstretched on the bed and was leaning against the headboard. He had his right arm drawn tightly around his daughter's shoulders. She encircled his waist with her arms, had her head buried in his shoulder and was curled up next to him. They sat in a comfortable silence. And both knew that they had found their ´normal` communication again. It was a similar one to that that he shared with Vin and that he had shared with Ezra, when they didn't argued of course. It was the one that always annoyed the heck out of everyone else. It was that communication that needed no words, just simple understanding with a light touch or a small smile or a simple look. For the first time in many years Chris felt a bit settled. The soaring pain that burned in his chest since his little brother's death seemed to have lessened. And for the first time since that happened he could smile at the thought of him. Oh yes, Ezra would have loved this whole situation here. He imagined him standing in the door way, leaning at the frame in an expensive suite and flashes them one of his smug grins. He let out a content sigh as his daughter snuggled up close to him. "So dad, ehm .. Ezra is just your half-brother .. right?"  
  
"Yeah, that's right, sweetheart." He told her silently. "I still remember seeing him for the first time. I was twelve. It was on an early Sunday morning, Buck was just spending the night over at my parents house as the doorbell rang..  
  
# "I'll take it." Violet Larabee yelled and threw open the door. On the porch stood a small fancy dressed little boy. He seemed to be at the age of 5. "What can I do for you small one?" she asked him.  
  
"It would be extremely nice of you if you could tell me if a mister Josef Larabee is residing in this fine domicile?" That little boy answered her in a rather adult like voice. And the words he choose were definitely not common for such a young aged. Pretty irritated she told him that that would be her husband. His mother's call for her husband awoke Chris and Buck and they sneaked downstairs to be greeted by a quite unusual scene. A small child who talked like an adult with a huge bag beside him and his mother who was a bit flustered. As her husband joined those both the small one introduced himself: "Good morning sir. My name is Ezra P. Standish and first of all I want to apologies for interrupting you in such an ungodly hour. However my dearest mother brought me by to pass over this correspondence to you." He said and handed a stunned Josef Larabee a letter. Uncertainly he tore it open and began to reed. By each passing second he seemed to become paler. "Oh my god!" He whispered.  
  
"Joe, what is it? Is it bad?"  
  
"Well, Violet it is..!" He pressed out. After an audible gulp he continued: "You remember that godforsaken incident on which I betrayed you with that other woman?" The face of Chris's mother fell. "Unfortunately yes."  
  
"Well it seems that that boy there .. is my son.!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well that letter is from Maude Standish, that certain woman, she tells me that that is her and my son and that she needs to attend to an emergency and that I should care about him." Joe told her feeling extremely uncomfortable.  
  
"That is not possible. Joe, how could you do that? And, you don't think to keep him here, do you?" Violet yelled and soon Chris's parents yelled at each other in earnest. In between the two adults stood small Ezra his face never faltered but his nervously twitching hands told Chris enough to recognize that the boy, no his brother, was petrified. Chris always was someone who stood up for those who couldn't defend themselves and Chris always was a very short tempered boy. Now seeing his new little brother, for him it was immediately clear that that was his brother and he never wavered in his believe, Chris knew that he had to do something. And that something had to be done very quickly. "Stop that!" Chris yelled and raced forward. His parents stared in shock at their son. "Stop arguing in front of my little brother. He is my brother and he will stay here with me. Please mom." Violet locked from her son to her husband to the little boy.. And suddenly her anger towards her husband turned to proud to her son. And suddenly her motherly feelings towards the little boy started to grow. "You're right Chris. Okay little one I'm Vi and we surely get used to each other." .. .. ..# 


End file.
